Reflections

This post is going to be a different type than the usual. I still haven't found a title or name for my "Alex's corner" deal I wrote and did in my last post. I'm usually good with naming things, but this time I'm just in a halt with it. I'm sure sooner or later I will bump into something clever. I guess this is also a disclaimer for what I'm about to write about and most times my title to my post is what I would be talking about. I figured I would give you guys a clue as to what I would write about, so that way you can determine if you even want to read it or not. I know some of you or majority of you don't care and don't want to waste your time reading my crap. I'll be blunt at times too with myself. I'm sure you figured that out by now.

Alas, this past weekend I had a lot of things that bumped into me and literally slapped me in my face. I felt as if I was in a rut, kind of like a pet mouse running in place in its spinning wheel. A cycle that never ends or goes back to square one and repeats. I guess I can break up what I want to talk about into sections here and it might be easier on me and you the audience to understand. Let's see what the easy approach would work. As I write this I am listening to Pink Floyd's "A Momentary Lapse of Reason" album. It's helping me and the set mood I'm currently in, if you want to jump in with me.

Work
I guess the best thing to start off with would be work. It is a part of everyone's life, if of course you do work. Mine revolves around a call center for a Pharmaceutical company, if you didn't know that already. When I started in this account it was easier, simpler and of course scary, but I overcame all the fears that came with it in time. Looking back at it and comparing to it now, it has changed a lot! Not only did the program, but the medication, the people, the "location" (ironically, haha) and well the customer service vibe. Our new clients want us to follow each and every script verbatim. Basically be like robots and mainly do transfers. I get it, I get why all these changes and precautions, but it seems to me to be also like a cover-up for something bigger or less, depending on how you see it. We've been getting a bit more of emails regarding other job positions here and a coworker did bring up a thought on it.. it was what they were doing when the other account I was in shut down. The same actions were happening then but now and almost in the same months, October through December. They were, in their own creepy way, telling us to get away or a heads up and of course I didn't listen to those warning signs. At the time, I couldn't take the new position I was offered earlier. The shift didn't fit well with me at the time and well the big ball dropped and the account was closed by the end of December.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of things have changed in this account. Some for the good and others for the bad. Mainly, I am not happy here anymore. So many restrictions, lack there of communication, and well lack of calls I'm getting that all this is making me bored. It's time to move on, where I need to get challenged, especially my brain. It's turning into mush and well I don't like that. We've been offered a new position in a new account here and I have been contemplation on applying, but what holds me back is the shifts and no guarantee of which shift I'll get. I know it won't be there forever to apply, so I need to really consider it somehow and quick. I have been looking around the job marketplace, but it's hard to find the right one in the sense of good location and pay! My husband tells me to wait it out until we get the boot and collect compensation on it. I'm not sure if that's the route I should take. Although I can have a vacation away from working until the right one comes along. I just know that I'm not happy here anymore and I need a challenge.

Social-ness or lack there of..
I always loved being outdoors in any shape or form. Whether it was a trip, walking outside, playing outside, or just walking around a mall without needing to buy anything. It's a way to escape and see new things while at the same time getting exercise! I like hanging out with people and just socializing as well. Yet, in this department I was never good at with people sticking around in my life. I would try to hang out, keep close friends or best friends, but things just tend to slip away for many reasons. As I posted in my last post, it was due to someone else at the time. Even though I don't like blaming people on my actions, but at times they do tie in with it all. Also I do remember one time trying to hang out with some of my high school friends and they either cancelled the event or they just bailed on me. I at times tried to make an event and invite them to it, of course, and well boom none of them can come. As an adult, I've gone out with coworkers and those events too backfired on me. While away on PTO preparing for my wedding, I was told after that a lot of people talked about my wedding and well my list. They laughed at it and wondered why I had such items on my list. I was told this by someone who again is no longer working here and not in my life anymore. It made me sad that a lot of people felt the same way with my wedding and well bring things that happened into Facebook land and into work-land light as well. People just like to put other people down it. I have learned that these type of people just don't like themselves and the path they're in in their life. They like bursting people's bubbles and light for it to shine on them more or plainly they're just jealous.

Anyways, nowadays I don't have many friends and I try not to hang out with anyone from work outside of work for all these other reasons. Yes, they're all different people now and attitudes/personalities, but you take a risk in finding out all this and by the time you do, you may be screwed and be too late. The only friends I have are the one's I gain through my husband and in which have been a lot since I moved here. Yet, I only see these people once in a while and none of whom I met on my own through work at all. I don't hang out with either crowd away on my own. Upon realizing this, it made me sad. I wish I had friends I can go to and hang out with them in their place or a social setting, but I don't. I was never good in this department and I think it's because I'm holding myself back due to driving. Don't get me wrong, I was never like this with driving. I wanted to learn so bad and be behind the wheel. I don't know what happened that made me step back and not care for it after getting my license. I guess it was the flexibility of my dad being there and always offering to take me everywhere... comfort and security. He was always there and never hesitated to give rides to his family. Why would he? He would rather take his children to wherever they needed to and know that they would be safe. Plus I'm sure he always enjoyed the ride and exploring new places or just simply sight see, even if it's the same views daily. I wasn't going to take that away from my dad and never did. I grew comfortable in relying on him for rides and driving me around. I guess that's where the mistake happened for the future, which is now. Yet, if my dad wasn't around for a ride, I relied on public transportation. It is everywhere in Chicago, whether trains or buses, it's there. They may have public transportation here, but it's so limited on how far it goes. It's not convenient at all for me. So this goes with the part in needing to learn to drive and then I won't be limited and also get independence. Other than that, I need to find ways to be social on my own and hope for the best on this.

Love thyself
I can openly admit to this, I do not like myself. Why? Because of first all the things people have said to me and all the actions I have seen done to me either by the universe or by others. And there is one grand golden rule that everyone has heard once in their life: "You need to love yourself in order to love others". Let's reflect on this quote with me. I do believe in this because how can you express this to someone else if you couldn't express it to yourself? I have a lot of flaws, as anyone in this world does. Nobody is perfect! Virgo's, my zodiac sign, are known to want to be perfectionists. So everything we touch, it has to be in our way and well done perfectly, almost like an OCD like trait. This I have noticed with myself. I don't mind it, but others around me do! So back to loving and such with yourself. I have had a lot of things said to me and well I would easily dismiss them. Actions are a different story, they speak louder than words. Most of these actions were done to me when I was little, in elementary, in the forms of bullying. Other actions were inside your home, but that is all I would say in this subject matter. Summing this up is basically is that whatever happens to you growing up or the actions is how it can mold you to be when you're older. It may hurt others in the process in how you can love them in return. I sound like a therapist now ironically, but ultimately it ties down to everything I'm saying. I'm sure all the actions that I have encountered is why I am the way I am now. It sucks with some aspects, honestly. In other points, it's society's fault with how women should look like. Slimness all the way baby! Or needing to have a butt or boobs, the works.

Sadly, I was not blessed with either that I have mentioned and at other times, I do feel like I need to personally loose my small gut I gained. Happy life Happy wife they say. You'll gain pounds once married, etc etc. All this is true since I witnessed it. I was once a size 0-3 in pants and XXS/XS/S in shirts and we you can say that it's nice being there cause of cheapness. I was those sizes all throughout my high school years and college as well. I actually wanted to gain weight then and now that I have, I just want to loose the small gut I gained and get tone/definition of muscles.... that is all, folks! I have done small things here and there to get where I'm at, but then other things slip in my path that leads me to square one again. I'm annoyed when that happens, but it happens to all! During my breaks at work I do exercise by walking outside, if the weather permits. So I guess I'll keep doing this to my heart is content. My mind in the other hand, wanders to want to do a lot of things and yet none get accomplished. I need to get back to what I enjoyed doing, which was art. Painting, drawing, digital artwork that is what I like doing including Photography. It seems that I just jumped into many different topics, but they do all revolve around the word love which is the topic in hand.

I need to get to things that I once enjoyed on my own. It's almost therapy time for me since I need to focus on one thing and one thing alone and alone. Everyone at times needs their space. This space would be good for me in so many ways, so that way I can discover myself and see what I do love about myself. I literally googled "how to love yourself?" and the first link that came up was a very informative one. Once I finished reading it, I just needed to know more to start the process. Within that article I saw another one that I needed to click and most of the points it provided I do currently or used to do. Here is the link! I am still currently going through this long list and still check the ones I have done in my mind. I just never thought that they were considered self care ideas, but they are. They better and improve you in the process of doing other things. It just seems I need to add more to this list that is more personal to me and what I like doing. I have stopped spoiling myself since I realized that I needed to go on a budget for other things, other goals in life. So I'll see what I can get myself that isn't clothes or shoes. Also I will research more sites and articles in the topic of loving myself.

Goals
Speaking of goals, I do have some for the new year. These mainly go in the subject of money. I know I have maybe mentioned this in another post. I'm slowly getting rid of debt or things that take my money. Bills will always be a part of anyone's life, but you can simplify it. I already have assisted in getting my parents their own phone account and I'm on my own. The plan was for me to merge with my husbands account, yet if I do this along with another goal I'll mention shortly, I won't have any credit in my name growing. So we decided for me to stay solo with the phone bill. My other goal is to get rid of my student loan. Once the new year hits, sometime in January or February, I will pay that sucker in full! That would ultimately leave me with one bill and more money for other [fun] things. With this in mind, I will follow through with looking into extracurricular activity that will fill my time. I mentioned Fencing in one of my previous posts and also kick boxing, but one is cheaper than the other ironically. I'll look into this Fencing classes I found out that happened close to home. They look fun and interesting since they offer a variety on them. Another thing I've been thinking about is to change my hair color. Nothing to drastic so I won't have to keep up with it. I just want something lighter that will compliment my natural color.

I got a lot of things I want to accomplish! From driving, to be actively fixing how I look, to figuring out how to love myself and the things that I used to love to do. Seems to me that I need to bring the old Alex back with some improvements of course. I will research in the love myself part as I stated earlier since I feel a lot better now since I spilled all of my feelings and guts in this long post. In the long run, then I can spread more love than what I have to my husband and our "children", our dogs and love myself and my decisions along the way. Sorry to have been a nuisance, sorry if I have offended you before in any shape or form, sorry for the lack of communication, and I'll see what I can do to better myself with all.