As usual, my posts start off with this topic. To think of it, I have no idea why I do start them off with this, but I'll continue it. The weather has been crazy here. One day it'll be nice and sunny and the next just pouring rain, gloomyness and back to sunny all in one day. We did get snow one day, but it was only an inch and didn't last long. My dogs were very curious about it, as they should since it's not common here. So far, the weather has been in the 60s if not 70s and the mornings are the cold moments of the day. It just really depends honestly.
Photography
I did mention in my last post that I hope my photography business booms and that I had things lined up for me that made me think that it just might grow. I had a wedding gig lined up for me, but it fell through. They wanted a videographer and I don't do that and so I couldn't do that gig. I do have another chance for a wedding coming up soon, but my husband doesn't want me to do it since it's family and he wants me to enjoy the time. I also was told that the same client I did a session with earlier in the year wanted another session with extended family, but I have yet to hear from them for all the details. So my plan or goals I added to myself with this business was for me to get at least 2-3 clients each month and depending on how many people in each session charge extra per person and this will keep me afloat and with income, but so far no clients for the month of February occurred. March just started, so I'm not saying I'm giving up hope yet for this month, but the dark cloud is glooming and forming already slowly.
I also tried to get some photos in during C2E2, but I got discouraged very quickly with my camera. The images were dark and not focused. In those type of events you don't have the time to make the person stand there for more than a minute or two while you adjust your settings, yourself and well you don't have the room because of other people passing by. You lack room and well lighting and so the first photos came out and I was trying a new setting, it just discouraged me quickly and made me very depressed. Honestly I took only 1 photo, one. So I either need to get better with my settings/camera, upgrade my camera or fix me and not be so hard on myself or do all. I don't know, but doing this for almost 2-3 years you think I should already know this and not have mistakes and I'm sure I'm right on that, but keep in mind I'm hard on myself. Rome wasn't built in a day and people learn new things every day. I do have an event I'm wanting to go this Saturday and it's a car show. Those type of events or topic of events to me are easy. They're cars and they don't move. One setting and nothing to worry about. We shall see how it turns out and go from there.
The Corner
I guess I decided to call this section of my posts as "The Corner". Because quite frankly, it feels like I'm placed or feel like I'm stuck in one, by choice or not. I felt at ease and free once I realized that our department was coming to a close. I have been wanting to get out of it and no one wanted to pick me up. After I came into an acceptance with both, I decided that I need time to relax at home and with my husband actually pushing for me to not work and him being the sole provider with no stress of sorts then I grew to also accept that. It's only been 2 months of me being unemployed and I feel bored and discouraged again. My feelings were swirling in every way possible. From happy to not needing to worry about the tasks that the job, any job, gives you to sad because of no socialization to even worriness and boredom.
As I type this I feel like I should and shouldn't go back to working. I worry on finances and laying all the stress of it on my husband, which isn't fair. Yet I feel I deserve to relax and just stay home. Why I mentioned discouraged is because yes I'm on unemployment and yet every time I apply for every job I have (50+ jobs) none of them has wanted me. Ok I take it back, I had 1 interview and 2 offers of interviews. It's obvious that I didn't get that one job and the others I'm contemplating on replying back for set-up. But besides that, all the other jobs I applied for and seeing the reply back in email form of "No Thanks!" or no reply at all just discouraged me and I'm sure anyone in this position feels the same way. It just makes you feel like you're not good enough at all and not wanted. Again, I've given myself goals or strikes with this as well. So far one strike exists and if there's 2 more after an interview then I won't bother to move on. I will follow rules I need to go by, so that I will keep up with.
With all this in mind I just feel like I'm putting other feelings out in the open or just worse. I went into a deep depression around Thanksgiving last year for a week or so and did my hardest to not show it outdoors or towards others. Only my husband witnessed it severely and for that I'm sorry towards him. We both have learned a lot from each other; lessons and for that I'm grateful that I know now what I know and learned. I do believe after having that experience I feel as if my anxiety rose to a higher level with other moments in my life. I get tense during certain moments like when I'm in the car, I read an article online that I can relate to somehow, a video, just anything like that it will flare up. I cried a little when I landed in Chicago this last time I went. It was a different kind of cry and I felt my anxiety flare up while being up in the air, in the plane as well. I couldn't rely on my husband since our flight was packed, we "arrived" late and we're not sitting next to each other basically. I had to calm myself with listening to music, which 100% of the time when I'm flying I do anyways, but it helped. I also feel like my other feelings like anger or my joking parts of me have either intensified or have disappeared. I just seem to feel like I need to state "I'm joking" more now than ever before when I didn't need to.
I just feel like I'm dragging and a burden and walking on eggshells of needing to apologize more and think of my actions or words before speaking them. No one needs to live like that, but it seems it's growing for me. I just don't know what to do anymore and blogging for me is like venting but also therapeutic. I'm just sharing what I'm going through and hope I find a solution or acceptance of my words when needed. I always say what I mean in the sense of my apologies, but I hope I can fix what's broken inside me and dismiss it all. For now all I can do is have a long sigh in these moments.
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