Non-fans need not to read. Fan's please do proceed to stalk!
Lately my mind has be swirling with confusing thoughts and paths. When I get in a situation that's sticky like gum to a table, it's.. troublesome, and sticks quite well to me for a couple of days, even months. Of course this really bothers the heck out of me, but yet oddly I can overcome the small voices in my head most of the time too. When I get in a situation like this, I drift... and so does my mind. Alas, why am I writing all this out? 'Cause I'm in this situation at the moment and need to write it down to clear my mind of the reeling affects. To begin.. I really don't know how to begin or spill the beans as some might say it.
I have been in this situation before and I'm sure many who have been in a relationship have before as well. I know I'm not alone, but it's cold in the outside of this and need a jacket as closure too. Everyone has a jacket, but me and I'm left out in the cold trying to still wait for my jacket to go on sale and move forward. I believe there are 2 paths after a breakup from a relationship: 1. Being friends with your ex's OR 2. Just completely move on. Let me just say, I have been in both paths before, with the same person mind you. Yes, its been done before with my other ex's as well, but they were different of course as well. I don't mind being friends with them, but there was a time period of about 6months to a year or so, from what I can remember, that we didn't speak. After the expiration date of not speaking ended, we would be friends again and talk. From there, the friendship was determined.. a flat line or a rhythm appeared. This time around, I have no idea what would happen. As stated earlier, I've been in this situation before with the same person and acted out both of these paths with this same person... it did not end well each time! I saw how this individual was able to just move on, like nothing ever happened and I'm stuck having the memories that drag me back into them, hoping they will happen again. I plainly just hated that person making lots of friends, moving on, and living their life like nothing happened. Then one day, BAM a new person was in their life... a replacement of me, but there was no DTR (Defining The Relationship). I couldn't handle it, I grew jealous, simply not happy... so I ended the friendship. The baggage was rough and too many to carry. I did my best to move on and not know much of the other and oddly enough the individual was back in my life.
"I see my feelings and history with him like a child and I'm a single mother now."
After retrieving back an old friend, feelings came along again. Oddly enough again, drifting started again due to other chores that got in the way. As that continued, a shocking moment happened... "Leave, it won't affect me!". And so I did after those words were given. Its like a dare, you tell me something YOU think I won't do, but with doing the action its like me saying, "You think I won't do it? F*ck You, I'll do your dare!". So, it was done and I moved on... again. Whispers of okay-ness appeared and the answers were not thrilling nor what anyone wants to hear. And again the cycle occurred, every bit of it. Where the explanation ends or history is here.
Again why did I write this entry? Well, I'm somewhat in a pickle, yet not. I recently talked to a good friend of mine who's been told of all the history, so she is up to date as well. She brought up a somewhat good and valid point or idea. "What if you're not getting a job now cause you're meant to find one elsewhere?", of course other words were replaced there, but that's the main thought. After she brought that up I literally said to myself, "Why didn't I think it that way?". I had ideas of not living where I grew up in my whole life, but now is not the time for dumb ideas like that. So they were easily dismissed and moved on. Ever since that conversation we had, I couldn't stop thinking of it and her words were permanently finding themselves a place to live in my mind quickly. Hope was or is rising again, but I wanted to stick to my plans. Then I thought about it, what were my plans again? I knew them and had to tell myself them again to get myself on track. But were they the right plans or tracks to follow?
I honestly had no idea what to do this time round. I've been in both paths and both, were not happy to me. It was a love hate relationship I got into with them. Dreams also don't help things like this when they arise. I can't help to get dreams that alarm me and well make me worry. Alas, I still don't know what to do sadly. Recently an episode of Awkward got me thinking of different paths. She constantly wrote on her blog thinking of 2 paths: a do-over and a start-over. She proceeded to write and think on how things would be if she did or said something. Once the episode was over, I started to think and imagine how things would be too for me, with a do-over and a start-over. Where to begin in a do-over? I couldn't tell. Can there be a start-over? Possibility, but will I let it happen. Soo many photo posts describe me and what I've been through that I've come across recently:
I find things like this on facebook and on tumblr and boy, if they do relate to me.. believe me, I will reblog/repost them up! I sometimes wonder if that person comes across these and many others at times. Subliminal messages? Yes, some are.. but am I forcing them into that mind? No, cause I couldn't and shouldn't. Oddly enough I think I'm in the wrong here. When you become the dumper, you're supposed to move on with your life and not care for the individual. When you're the dumpee, you're the one who's supposed to act the victim, the one saying they should be with me, and cry like there's no tomorrow. Ironically and sadly, I'm in between the two. I'm messing up my role completely.. what a moron I am. I find ways to pose like a hero and move on with my life and feelings one day and moment, but then other days or moments, I get hit with a reality brick that has written "Ex, history, feelings..etc" and those words get transferred on my face that are nonrefundable and not washable. I amaze myself when I do get out of that funk, that nostalgic mood. I had it recently and well, I totally forgot I had it actually. Yet.. I still need help of a sorts, what direction to go to. As Jenna Hamilton did on her blog, not disclosing who she is going to choose on her blog, its her choice to do and not display. I think I'll do the same and I think I know my solution and I won't bother to write it here either.
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